Poetry

My wife writes a lot and she is currently taking part in  a poetry challenge. She wrote one poem which really touched me and I wanted to share it with you.

Twins

They were on in the same
in more than just name
I am she, I am he
I am they

One day a girl, one day a boy
either way they felt joy
I am she, I am he
I am they

Gender is more than just what’s between your legs
Who says we have to sit so nicely on pegs?
I am she, I am he
I am they

Be who you want to be
It doesn’t matter what they see
I am she, I am he,
I am they

Fly high, no need to sigh
I am she, I am he
I am they
They were one in the same….

Much love,

Nikki xx

A confusing few days

I was talking to my wife recently and she asked me how I could tell whether it’s him or her coming forward. I normally feel in the morning very strongly which way it’s going to go. But recently I’ve gone through a few days in which it was sometimes quite difficult to define if it was male or female coming forward. It seemed to be a combination of both, and I don’t know if this is common or if other genderfluid persons have the same happen. It confused the hell out of me…..

I’m lucky in the sense that at home I can express whichever side comes forward, even if it’s a strong combination of the male and female at the same time. Add to that the fact that it’s getting easier to have my wife present when Nikki comes forward and you start to get a sense that I can express whichever side come forward. In the past it was all very hush hush and hidden. More a quick fix than really connecting with the feminine. Now I can connect with it even if I’m in the masculine. It also helps me tremendously in my spiritual work.
The sense of freedom we now have is still taking some time to settle in. When you have to hide something for so many years it can feel a bit weird when you can be open about it. I guess in my case there is still some shame and embarrassment attached to it that I need to work through. Hiding something also implies feeling guilty about it. Do I still feel guilty?…No, not really, but I still find myself sometimes quickly closing my wardrobe if my wife walks in. It’s stupid, I know…..but it’s also decades of conditioning.

I know deep down inside that I’m perfectly ok with the way I am, and that my wife is also perfectly ok with it. Would she have gone clothes shopping with me a few days ago if she weren’t ok with it? It was actually really nice walking around the shop with her and discussing whether the clothes would suit her or me better! I’m so grateful to have an amazing understanding wife.

We’re trying to find out what Nikki is like, what music, clothes, and make-up she likes. It wasn’t really possible in the past to to that, but now I feel like a whole new world is opening up for us.

Going to be an interesting few months….

Nikki XX

And so it came to pass….

So after years of struggling, hiding, deceiving, lying, and avoiding I’ve finally accepted  that I am genderfluid. I identify with both male and female gender even-though I was born male. I’ve been from one end of the gender spectrum to the other. I’ve felt male and I’ve felt female. It  wasn’t until recently that I was even aware of gender definitions other than male and female. I felt male, but also female. I would just as easily wear a tacky t-shirt as I would wear a bra. It always felt normal, from the first time I crossdressed 35 years ago to today.

I did go through a period in which I thought I should’ve been born female and took steps to start the transformation from male to female. I received counselling, psychiatric help, and medical treatment in the form of hormones. Initially I was over the moon but as time went on I became more and more unsure as to whether I could go through with the process.
I was subjected to some intense discrimination, my marriage fell apart, people started to avoid me, I lost many good friends, and even my family didn’t want to know. So just under a year into the process I couldn’t take anymore and I tried to kill myself. I survived, but I realised very quickly that I was not transgender in the sense of wanting to become a woman. Ofcourse the medical treatment had already left some noticeable results. My breasts had grown to a B-cup, my skin had become softer, and I had gotten used to talking in a softer voice. I tried to pick up my life, but so many people knew about me in the place I lived that it was difficult. So when an opportunity came to move away I took it.
I was very unhappy and as a result I started to put on a lot of weight which in a way was good because it kinda hid the results of the hormone treatment.

I put the crossdressing and the need to express my feminine side on the backburner. I had fallen in love with an amazing woman and I didn’t want to risk losing her in the same way I lost my first wife. I suppressed my needs for many years. I thought I had dealt with my feelings many years ago, but it come up again.I had also lost a lot of weight since August 2014 (5.5 stone) so I became, and I know it sounds stupid, very aware of my breasts. They weren’t losing much and became more noticeable as breasts as opposed to fat. This and other things made me realise that I had to come out to my wife and together we could possibly find a solution that would be workable for both of us.

First of all she gave me the time and space to explore my feminine side and to work out what that side wanted. My wife gave me support in buying some clothes and I spent several days just connecting with my female side (I named her Nikki). It felt good, and it felt right.
My wife and I then spent a few days talking and she was happy to support me and allow Nikki to be part of the relationship. She has met Nikki and is happy for her to come forward, as long as I give her some advance warning.

I have recently come out to my friend Rae, who is gender neutral, and they have been amazing. Nikki can’t wait to introduce herself to Rae.

It still feels a bit weird that I can be Nikki without having to hide it, sometimes if I’m Nikki and I hear a key in the door my first reaction is still to avoid being seen. Nikki can only come forward at home, but I envisage a time in which she can also go out.

I feel complete now, a person with 2 souls who happen to be a male and a female.

i_m_gender_fluid_and_proud_of_it