So after years of struggling, hiding, deceiving, lying, and avoiding I’ve finally accepted that I am genderfluid. I identify with both male and female gender even-though I was born male. I’ve been from one end of the gender spectrum to the other. I’ve felt male and I’ve felt female. It wasn’t until recently that I was even aware of gender definitions other than male and female. I felt male, but also female. I would just as easily wear a tacky t-shirt as I would wear a bra. It always felt normal, from the first time I crossdressed 35 years ago to today.
I did go through a period in which I thought I should’ve been born female and took steps to start the transformation from male to female. I received counselling, psychiatric help, and medical treatment in the form of hormones. Initially I was over the moon but as time went on I became more and more unsure as to whether I could go through with the process.
I was subjected to some intense discrimination, my marriage fell apart, people started to avoid me, I lost many good friends, and even my family didn’t want to know. So just under a year into the process I couldn’t take anymore and I tried to kill myself. I survived, but I realised very quickly that I was not transgender in the sense of wanting to become a woman. Ofcourse the medical treatment had already left some noticeable results. My breasts had grown to a B-cup, my skin had become softer, and I had gotten used to talking in a softer voice. I tried to pick up my life, but so many people knew about me in the place I lived that it was difficult. So when an opportunity came to move away I took it.
I was very unhappy and as a result I started to put on a lot of weight which in a way was good because it kinda hid the results of the hormone treatment.
I put the crossdressing and the need to express my feminine side on the backburner. I had fallen in love with an amazing woman and I didn’t want to risk losing her in the same way I lost my first wife. I suppressed my needs for many years. I thought I had dealt with my feelings many years ago, but it come up again.I had also lost a lot of weight since August 2014 (5.5 stone) so I became, and I know it sounds stupid, very aware of my breasts. They weren’t losing much and became more noticeable as breasts as opposed to fat. This and other things made me realise that I had to come out to my wife and together we could possibly find a solution that would be workable for both of us.
First of all she gave me the time and space to explore my feminine side and to work out what that side wanted. My wife gave me support in buying some clothes and I spent several days just connecting with my female side (I named her Nikki). It felt good, and it felt right.
My wife and I then spent a few days talking and she was happy to support me and allow Nikki to be part of the relationship. She has met Nikki and is happy for her to come forward, as long as I give her some advance warning.
I have recently come out to my friend Rae, who is gender neutral, and they have been amazing. Nikki can’t wait to introduce herself to Rae.
It still feels a bit weird that I can be Nikki without having to hide it, sometimes if I’m Nikki and I hear a key in the door my first reaction is still to avoid being seen. Nikki can only come forward at home, but I envisage a time in which she can also go out.
I feel complete now, a person with 2 souls who happen to be a male and a female.